Mitsurugi's New Rule
by thejade
Summary: Mitsurugi reevaluates the rules of living for himself. Of course, blame an ugly person for that! Not meant to be offensive.


**A/N: Here's the next fanfic of the Soul Calibur Humor Fanfic Series! Other fanfics are under my name: _thejade9_**

**Summary: Mitsurugi prioritizes his rules again. **

**Sorry to: Ugly people, old people, women, men, and anyone else I offend. I'm pretty sure I'm bound to do it, but it's in the sake of humor! **

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**"Mitsurugi's New Rule"**

Mitsurugi stared off into the distance as women swarmed around him, cooing and admiring his masculine—manly—armor. Although all of them were beautiful, he saw one woman he particularly wanted.

One of his top rules was picking up beautiful womens before old age made him unattractive.

That was Rule #2, before Rule #1: Breathing (In-Out, In-Out).

The beauty he was staring atstood aside from the groping beauties, gazing towards the setting sun. Mitsurugi combed his hand through his hair before approaching them.

_I have to play it coy. I have to be masculine, a manly man._

Mitsurugi neared the woman. She smiled at him as she saw his approach.

"Hi, there, beautiful," Mitsurugi began, his voice dripping testosterone. "How would you like to shine my sword—"

Her face dropped as the words spilled from his mouth. Mitsurugi knew the mistake, but after countless times of practicing it, he hardly noticed her arm winding up to slap the life out of him.

"—And cook me a nice dinner, like a good woman—"

Thankfully, before her palm could strike the samurai, he tripped over his _own_ feet.

Spitting out blades of grass, Mitsurugi looked up in time to see the slender legs of the beautiful woman stalk away. Mitsurugi wanted to cry. He reached out towards her.

_Wait! I need someone to sterilize my water!_

"Samurai men like yourself shouldn't lay on the ground like that."

_What?_

Mitsurugi hurriedly climbed to his fallen—but still manly—feet and turned to face the source of the voice. He almost had a heart attack from the site.

He made eye contact with an ugly duckling in the body of an old, prehistoric creature that he guessed was once a woman.

_Aw, damn._

Mitsurugi stared at her with sheer shock. Could someone be _born_ that _ugly_?

_I bet this eye contact is the only attention they've ever received from the opposite sex. But if I look away, she'll have nothing to live for..._

The woman in front of him was so ugly, the word "ugly" would had vomited something prettier than her. Although she was the ugliest sight that would be mistaken as death itself, Mitsurugi couldn't look away.

_So….ugly…can't….look…away…._

Mitsurugi thought she couldn't do any worse with her face, but the inevitable ugliness happened: she cracked a toothless smile at Mitsurugi.

_No!_

That was the cue for Mitsurugi to break out of her hideous spell.

Mitsurugi tried to turn around to flee, but the ugly duckling was already attached to him like an ugly leech on his arm. Mitsurugi frantically shook his arm, trying to free himself of her clutching, sagging hands, but her death grip was mightier than his muscular—manly—arm.

_NO!_

She opened her mouth to speak, her lips moving like too flesh-colored caterpillars. Mitsurugi thought that word "ugly" couldn't co-exist with this woman.

_NOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

Too late.

"You're soooo handsome, Samurai," she crooned out, spit landing squarely in his eye. Mitsurugi's hands flew to his eye.

"It stings! It stings!"

The ugly woman stared at him worriedly. She tried to help his fish-like—eh…manly—movements.

"Aw, let me help—"

Somehow, her leg came out of _nowhere_, and before Mitsurugi could brace himself, he felt himself falling. He landed with a loud _thud_ on the ground, sprawling in the grass.

And the ugly duckling was hovering above him, too, saying words that only she understood because ugly people spoke a different language.

"I'm sorry there! Let me help—"

More saliva rained down on Mitsurugi's beloved eyes. He screamed a high-pitched—almost manly—scream, his hands fully covering his eyes now. Mitsurugi flayed around on the ground like a fish out of water.

"My eyes! My eyes!"

Mitsurugi had never felt such horrid pain in his life! Sure, he had faced countless demons, some dead, some half-dead, but they never inflicted as much damage as this old, crusty woman was putting him through!

Then the horrid woman grabbed his wrists. Mitsurugi tried to keep her from pulling on his thin—and somewhat manly—wrists, but her death grip was too mighty again. She pulled his hands from his eyes—the only protection from her terrible torture—and felt the worst pain of all.

"He's having trouble breathing! I'll save him!"

Although Mitsurugi's eyes were almost blind, he saw the ugly duckling leaning toward him, her lustful lips heading for…heading for…

_No…No…NO!_

Her crusty, wrinkled leech-for-lips mouth touch his face—_his _lips—as she tried to exhale into him.

Mitsurugi felt himself die a little.

_Anyone! Save me! Save me from this ugly person! NOW!_

Of course, his help—which he had hoped would be manly help—didn't arrive in time. He fainted before a group of kids tackled their grandmother from his lifeless body. When Mitsurugi finally awoke, he found that the beauty he was gawking at before had placed him under her charge.

Mitsurugi smiled as the beauty—_sigh_—tucked him into bed gently. At least he got what he wanted—the beauty, shining his sword—even though it was out of pity.

_MWAHAHAHAHA!_

Mitsurugi frowned when he recalled why she pitied him.

He silently re-evaluated his rules.

#2 Now: Breathing.

#1: Don't ever—EVER—make eye contact with an ugly person.

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**A/N: Please review! Liked this fanfic? You'll like "Raphael's Apprentice," (top favorite)"Gypsy Mirrors," and "Sandwiches for Kilik" (top favorite)too! **

**Other fanfics in this series: "Flies onIvy" and"Hwang's Laundry."**


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